Picking the best bottle I own is more problematic than deciding that Mambourg from Deiss is horrible; what constitutes the best?

Heroic formats can be compelling. I have a jeroboam of Pommard Premier Cru Clos des Epeneaux 1999 which is just a hilarious thing to own. It will provide a lot of pleasure on a dim and distant birthday celebration.

Rarity may also lead one to cherish a bottle. I have a magnum of Nuits Saint Georges Premier Cru aux Thorey 2005 from Domaine Dujac. This was the only vintage of this wine Dujac made, so it is as rare as hen's teeth. Having it in a magnum is particularly pleasing.

The most compelling reason to choose a favourite wine is probably sheer quality. I have a bit of a thing for 2001 red Burgundy and have some shit-hot bottles from this vintage. Domaine Dujac Clos Saint Denis and Bonnes Mares are two of the best Dujac wines I've been lucky enough to try. I tell you, man, they are buttock-bitingly good. My only bottle of Domaine de la Romanee Conti wine, La Tache, comes from this vintage. I am yet to taste it, so whilst I am convinced it will be top bunny, I cannot really call it my favourite wine.

Which brings me to Musigny 2001 from Freddie Mugnier. I've had some mind-bendingly good Musigny from M. Mugnier, the 1999 and 2005 were utterly, utterly beautiful and charged with charm and complexity. However the 2001 had an extra dimension of unadulterated loveliness, which left me deeply moved. I've only got one bottle of this wine which will cause much thought about when to crack it open, but it is, as far as I am concerned, the best wine I own.

In the early nineties Jean-Michel Deiss was making spell-binding, exciting, thrilling Riesling; I snapped up all I could find and afford. Then, for some presumably psychotic reason, he decided that Riesling wasn't good enough on its own. He turned his interest to making field blends of different grape varieties, picking, fermenting and ageing them together. These wines have always been repulsively disgusting; they have confused flavours and unsatisfactory ageing profiles. They are also distractingly laced with residual sugar. I feel Jean-Michel has let down all the fans of his very best wines by producing such filth.

At my last tasting chez Deiss I hated every wine we tried, and I have to say I didn't take to the man himself largely because of the crap he spewed justifying his bonkers wine-making philosophy. One of the wines we tried was notably horrible, the 2000 Mambourg Grand Cru blend. It was oxidised and lacking any form of character that one would hope to be charmed by. Deiss himself claimed that this was the best wine he had ever made. Totally bonkers, I tell you. But not as hat-stand as me, it turns out. When I saw a bottle of this on a wine merchant's shelf I committed an act of pure insanity and purchased it.

I blame this screamingly butt-hole-crazy action on a residual degree of respect for M. Deiss; after all he had made some of the best Alsace Riesling I have had. But this is not really a good enough excuse. I'd tried the wine and it was mind-bendingly horrible. I have to stand up and say I made a horrific mistake and thrown good money away. I am worthy only of mockery for having purchased this shameful travesty of a wine. I'll age the wine as long as Deiss said it would last (15-20 years! Ha! What a twat) and pour it with the knowledge that I'll have opened and finally got rid of the worst bottle of wine I will ever own.

Clos Vougeot Grand Cru 2001, Domaine Rene Engel: Snap up these deeply affordable and high quality wines from the late, lamented M. Engel whilst you still can. This is a great wine for the price. £59 from Hand-Picked Burgundy.

Morey Saint Denis Premier Cru Les Loups 1999, Domaine des Lambrays: A long-time favourite of mine, up for drinking with a lot of pleasure. £34 from Hand-Picked Burgundy.

Champagne Cuvee 731, Jacquesson: A top NV Champagne. Jacquesson make some damned good fizz. £28.69 from Noel Young Wines.

Riesling Grand Cru Sommerberg L31E 2004, Domaine Albert Boxler: It has been a couple of years since I last had this, but it is undoubtedly a top wine that anyone would be pleased to own. £25.14 from Noel Young Wines.

Pinot Blanc 'B' 2005, Domaine Albert Boxler: I admit this is reasonably expensive for a Pinot Blanc, but this hails from the Brand Grand Cru so is quite a lot more serious than your general Pinot Blanc. £14.95 from Lay and Wheeler.

Yes, it is another Sarah-Jane Selwood bowl. This is only a little one, with a very pleasing ice-crackle glaze. I am told it is called Falling Counterpoint 1. It is nice to have a good little piece again; the bloody cat broke my last ones.

I was looking through my cellar list and was pleased to see that I've got quite a few bottles of Hermitage. I love Hermitage. I recently got a bottle of 2005 Jean-Louis Chave for the partner; I was very pleased to have snaffled it given its 'hen's teeth' status and generally obscene pricing. Given that I have about a case of mid- and late-nineties Chave I thought I'd see by what obscene amounts these cost now. I was surprised that old Chave is generally cheaper than the most recent vintage. For example, the 1997 is now £97 a bottle. The 1996 is £76, the 1995 is £152 and the 1994 is £87. Only the 1995 is more expensive (by a mere nose) and not only is a vintage at least as good as the 2005 but also it has had ten extra years to mature and reach its peak. You can see by my notes these are serious wines, and with the extra maturity it does raise the question of why one should be buying young Chave.

I should add that even at these prices Hermitage, especially Chave, is a special treat for your humble reporter. I have mentioned before that Domaine Du Colombier 2005 is the cost-aware choice for Hermitage from this top vintage. Not quite the fireworks of Chave, I admit, but a serious performer.